• Sunday, February 25, 2007

    Taste Patrol

    Three Hula Men Bobble Award

    This award goes to Andrea and Carisa for surviving thus far. Warning! In a few more weeks the producers are changing the name of this show to Top Male Designer. In view of the judges blatant favoritism towards the men (Yes, you Ryan!), I suggest that you two gals change your attire and start tap dancing next time the judges prepare to name the winner.Two Hula Men Bobble Award

    I took one look at Todd’s sugary muffins and coffee and instantly understood this week’s true plot twist!

    Caffeine provides a jolt to the system and also subtly alters one’s brain chemistry. The cheap carbs that muffins provide instantly spike one’s insulin levels, leaving one at the mercy of sugar cravings all day.

    In an intense competition, the introduction of these legal drugs will separate the weak from the strong, affecting our designtestants’ creativity. It is evident that our petite Felicia could not withstand this double drug assault.

    Had she ingested one good square meal that morning, I’m sure we would have seen a different outcome.

    The Bobble Won't Wobble Award

    Felicia, dear, you didn’t just stumble, you fell headlong into the tasteless trap of the psychedelic 70’s. Former hippies must have descended from their mountain top commune and dragged everything out of their passive solar houses right into that garage sale.

    Like a magnet you glommed onto everything that was awful about that decade: a faux Mies Van Der Rohe oak and leather chair that almost made your client retch, reams of old tie patterns, a glass orange and yellow bulbous lamp thingy, and, gulp, a hand crocheted afghan that screamed manmade fibers using colors not found in nature.
    My eyeballs are still smarting from that eyesore. Here’s a man’s tie from that era. Why would anyone want to look at 50 replicas of these things on their wall?

    I’m sad to see you go, because I saw so many elements in your room that would have worked if you hadn’t been sidetracked by those damned hippies and their tasteless baubles. Your client wanted Happy Chic, not Hippy Chic, and I blame Todd and his diabolical Hi Carb breakfast for your confused state. We can at least thank our lucky stars that this afghan was not for sale at the time your purchased the other.

    Trash It Award

    Oh, Ryan, you jokester! The fun was on us, wasn’t it? Fess up. After I studied your t-shirt for Top Design, I realized that you had revealed your contempt for traditional design concepts early on.

    You were going full tilt for the Women in Prison theme, thinking you were keeping the joke to yourself. But Ms. Place wasn’t born yesterday. When she was an art student, she viewed a number of these art house movies. However, you got one vital element wrong, dahling. Every woman in a prison movie must go through the obligatory shower scene, and you forgot to install the stall.

    At first I thought your room divider was really tasteless, then I realized that you had made an elaborate cat’s cradle.

    Instead of a symmetrical creation, your wood bars looked like a web a spider on too much caffeine had made, such as in this research lab.

    This is your brain on caffeine

    In fact, viewing your room reminded me of poor Frodo entering Shelob’s Lair.

    After being trapped for one day in that environment, your poor client would have been ready to join the women in Caged. You can’t fool another artist, dahling, we know crap when we see and hear it, and yours needs a bulldozer to shovel it out.

    By Ms. Place



    Anonymous Cliff said...

    Gawd, I so love you!

    February 25, 2007 at 9:03 AM  
    Blogger poconobarb said...

    Although Felica's was a hippie on LSD...Ryan's was really "the trip" and he should have gotten his goodbye...

    February 25, 2007 at 9:41 AM  
    Blogger poconobarb said...

    Felica's room that is...sorry for omitting the word "room"

    February 25, 2007 at 9:43 AM  
    Anonymous Calady said...

    Nailed it girlfriend. Excellent job!!!

    February 25, 2007 at 9:54 AM  

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