Posted by Eric3000
Wow! Who saw that coming?!
Oh, yeah; everyone.Matt
: "Was there ever any doubt?"
Unfortunately, no. It was pretty clear weeks ago who the judges wanted to win. Of, course, it didn't help that Margaret accidentally leaked that Elle Decor article about Matt winning. And I didn't buy her lame explanation about writing an article for each designer. [joking!]
But, I have to say that when I saw how much better Carisa's
loft was I did have a tiny bit of doubt, thinking, "Maybe the judges will have no choice but to reward the best design, even thought they've already decided who the winner should be."
We start the episode with a clip of Matt telling us he's going to kill himself if he doesn't make it into the final two. Well, that's certainly a mature and professional attitude.
Then we play a little game of catchphrase:Jonathan
: "He's the mayor of excuses village."Kelly
: "I feel like I'm in an assisted living facility."Margaret
: "You can't just design a room around a cat."
Yep, those are classics.Todd
: "Designers, you will be designing a 1,700 square foot loft in one of the hottest areas of downtown Los Angeles
What difference does it make that the lofts are in a hot area of town? We don't have to live there; we just care what the designers do to the inside, right?Todd
: "Santa Fe Lofts is paying us to say the building is in a hot part of town."
Oh, of course.
The lofts are identical. They laugh alike, they walk alike, At times they even talk alike; what a crazy pair of lofts.
The designers will have two months to plan the space and then five minutes to actually do the project. OK, they actually have five days for the project. But I still wonder why they have such a generous amount of time for planning and then have to rush like crazy at the end. They also have a generous budget: $12,500 plus $150,000 from the PDC
and $25,000 in GE appliances.Matt
: "Well, I'm not used to such a small budget but I guess I'll just have to do my best."
Todd gives them envelopes containing their clients. They are designing for themselves:Matt
: "My client is me! I couldn't ask for a better client! I couldn't ask for a better designer, either! I am so in love with myself!"
They get to see the loft space.Carisa
: "Do you want to measure together?"Matt
: "No. you won't measure it as well as I will because I have so much more experience."
OK, it's two months later and the designers are back in Los Angeles
, ready to start work. Todd tells them he's going to have their floors done while they are shopping. Carisa
is getting black lacquer "hand carved" something-or-other floors. How can you tell they are hand carved? And how can you tell what kind of wood they are if they are covered in black lacquer? Matt just has his concrete floors painted black. I happen to like concrete floors but this is still a little surprising since Matt is usually all about the floors and this is a little boring. I also wonder if those floors are going to get messed up with all the work that's going to go on.
We get reacquainted with Ed and Carl. It's the Ed and Carl show! Oh, wait, no, it isn't. But they both work really hard and do a great job, with the assistance of some other carpenters.
The stupid freight elevator for the Santa Fe Lofts doesn't hold shit so they have to carry everything up the fire escape, which really sucks. We get a weird
scene with Carl talking with two of his helpers and Carisa
: "What's going on?"Carl
: "They didn't know they were going to have to carry things up the fire escape."Carisa
: "This is bullshit!" [storms off]Two Guys
: "What the hell was that?"Carl
: "That was your boss."Two Guys
: "Oh. She seems like a real bitch."Carl
: "Yep. OK, let's get back to work."Two Guys
Seriously, what the hell was that scene about? Were the guys threatening to quit? Were they demanding more money? Were they just complaining for the hell of it? Anyway, they get all the stuff up to the lofts with only minor injuries: Ed shows up with his hand bandaged on the second day:Matt
: "What happened?"Ed
: "Oh, I lost my thumb in a freak elevator-call-button accident. Don't worry; I'll be fine."
Oh, that Ed; what are we going to do with him?
Unsurprisingly, all the construction work in the lofts completely fucks up the floors. Matt has to completely repaint his, causing me to wonder why they bothered painting them first or why they didn't cover them up during construction.
Carl and Sarah destroy Carisa's
floor. The floor she loves so much and had been dreaming about having her whole life.Sarah
: "Oh, my god! Carisa's
going to kill us! Carl, what are we going to do? Oh, no; here she comes! I'm scared!"Carisa
: "You ruined the floors? C'est
la vie. You did a great job on those cubes!"Sarah
: "What have you done with the real Carisa
With one hour to go Todd makes an announcement:Todd
: "Models, this is also a competition for you! You'll get a spread in Elle magazine!"Ed and Carl
: "But we aren't models."Todd
: "Oh, I forgot. We got most of the carpenters from a modeling agency so I got confused. Well, we'll give you $10,000 then. How's that?"Ed and Carl
: "That's great. Of course it would have given us more motivation if you had told us that earlier."Carisa
: "I'm more interested in Carl getting that $10,000 so he can send his girls to the cheapest college on earth than I am in winning $100,000 for myself. That's just the kind of selfless person I am."
So, the finished lofts:
Matt really butchered his loft space. The point of a loft is to have a large, open space and he made it feel very cramped and narrow. I understand that he had to incorporate sleeping spaces for his family but I think he could have done it better. He could have put a bedroom in the corner, which would have left the central space more open and he could still have used a movable
wall to open it up so you wouldn't lose the corner window views. Or he could have put a small bedroom right when you come in the front door, which would have created a hallway that would lead into the living room. I don't like how you have to walk around the living room furniture to get to the rest of the apartment. I just don't think he used the space very well.Trudie Styler
: "I don't think he has a grasp of architectural space, though he's a good decorator."Matt
: "What gives you the right to judge my space, Mrs. Sting?"Trudie
: "I'm the guest judge. That gives me the right to judge, you jackass."
His daughter's room is really cute. I think his bathroom is ugly. If Michael had painted a bathroom eggplant the judges would have ripped him a new one. But Matt did it so they like it. Trudie thinks the bathroom is sexy. She would totally have tantric
sex with Sting in there. She wishes Matt had made his bedroom a little sexier:Matt
: "God, there's no pleasing that woman! I'm just going to be in the bedroom with my wife; why would I be thinking about sex?"
Well, the judges think his loft looks really expensive. He spent almost $200,000; it fucking better look expensive!Carisa's
loft looks really cool! As far as furnishings, I know it's subjective; I happen to share her aesthetic
taste more than I do Matt's. But objectively, I think she used the loft space better. I wish she hadn't had to use the exact dining room set that Andrea used for her winning design but apparently the PDC
only carries one dinette set and a ceramic pepper and that's it. No, but really, I'm sure there were lots of items that were reused in several of the challenges because they had a limited number of stores to shop in, but because it was Andrea's winning design it was pretty obvious. I didn't think her work space was very exciting, though it did seem pretty functional. her bed pit was totally groovy! I loved it!Margaret
: "I was really prepared to hate that bed pit. In fact, I tried really, really hard to hate it. I just couldn't; I don't know what has come over me."Jonathan
: "I could really get up to some mischief in that bed pit."Margaret
: "That's nasty, Jonathan! Hee hee
: "This is the best possible outcome. I'm pretty sure if Matt had lost he would have ended up as a trannie
hooker on Santa Monica Blvd. but I'll be perfectly fine. I'm really happy for him. That's just the kind of caring nurturer that I am."Matt
: "If I had lost to a design student I would have robbed a bank and spent the rest of my life drinking in Mexico. Actually, I may do that anyway."