• Saturday, February 3, 2007

    Top Design Recap, Premier: Queer Eye for the Pacific Design Center!

    Posted by Eric3000

    Legal disclaimer: No designers were physically harmed in the writing of this recap. However, some were emotionally scarred and will require therapy. This is a recap of what goes through my head while I'm watching the episode. It is a mix of fact and fantasy and most of the quotes are fake. Any relation to real people, places, and events is entirely intentional but rare.

    Welcome to the premier edition of Eric Three Thousand Recaps on Top Design Blogger! For those of you familiar with my recaps you know the deal. For new readers and/or the completely clueless, please be sure to read the legal disclaimer above. Just so you understand I don't have a split personality or talk about myself in the third person like Bob Dole, I watch the episodes with my boyfriend, also named Eric, and he pops up from time to time. These first few episodes will be a little tough because it takes me a while to get to know the contestants and to really get into the show. I do read several of the fan sites but I don't do a lot of other outside research on the designers. I'm far too lazy so I leave that to others. I like to watch the episodes kind of fresh and write about them from the point of view of someone who hasn't run background checks on everybody. So, many of you will know more about what's going on that I do. Also, I don't read anything at all about a show from the time an episode airs until after I've posted my recap of it because I don't want to be influenced by anything. So if I make a point or a joke that has already been made, I apologize. Please keep in mind that we are writing about a television show. My comments are meant in fun and I have nothing personal against anyone. If you think I'm a genius, please feel free to leave a comment. If you think I'm a horrible little bitch with no grasp of the English language, please keep it to yourself; I'm far too sensitive.

    On with the show:

    First of all, the theme music sucks big time.

    Todd Oldham is the host. He tells us the designers are competing for a spread in El DeBarge magazine. Oh, yeah, the magazine started by the lead singer of DeBarge; I read it every week. They will also be featured in the charity event Dining by Design (or something like that). And they will get an Acadia by GMC. Oh, wait; not just an Acadia by GMC, but a brand new Acadia by GMC. Wow, at first I assumed they would be winning a used car but this is even better! And they win $100,000, which will cover the taxes on their new car. And I know your saying, "No, there can't be any more prizes; it's too much already!" But, in addition to all that, they also get the prestige of creating the Top Design! Well, I don't know how Bravo thinks it can get away with this kind of extravagance.

    We're introduced to the designers. There are just too many people and I can't keep track of all of them. If you don't mind, I'm just going to refer to everyone as "that gay guy with the glasses." I think that will cover the majority of them. Just kidding. Here's a brief rundown:

    Lisa - She's black with white hair and she likes Asian-influenced design. She seems interesting; I'm looking forward to getting to know her over the next ten weeks. Or not.

    Goil - He's the gay guy with the glasses. Oh, OK, he's the Asian gay guy with the glasses. He has two (not one, but two!) architectural degrees. He's cute and he dresses adorably. Other Eric and I are a little in love with him. I just wish he'd stop informing us that he doesn't want to be the one kicked off the show. I mean, duh!

    Carisa - She is a design student and likes affordable design. She looks like Super Nanny.

    Ryan - White guy with glasses (sexuality unclear). He's an artist and he likes to skateboard indoors.

    Felicia - She's blond. Sorry, that's all I got. Oh, Other Eric points out that her eyebrows are uneven; yeah, that helps. She informs us that she wants to put food in the refrigerator. I think that's her design philosophy. Whatever.

    Matt - Blond gay guy without glasses.

    Matt: "Oh, I'm not gay. I have a beautiful wife and daughter."

    If you say so.

    Andrea - Short black hair. She's an architect.

    John - Definitely not a gay guy with glasses. He wants to make that very clear.

    Elizabeth - Blond. Works in the film industry. Her design philosophy is "a bunch of styles meets another bunch of styles." At least that's what it sounds like to me.

    Michael - Young, blond gay guy with glasses.

    Michael: "I'm not gay! ... I'm super gay! Gay, gay, gay!"


    Michael: "No, really; I'm gay. I'm talking 'Over the Rainbow' gay!"

    We get it. You're gay. You don't need to convince us.

    Erik - Gay guy with a goatee who apparently requires lots of space to store his mascara.

    Heather - Brunette. No design education but she's designed bars. I think for a prison.

    The designers move into their apartments. John meets his new gay roommates:

    John: "Gay people make me very uncomfortable. That's why I didn't go to college: too many gays. Who knew there would be so many of them in the interior design industry?"

    Michael settles into his new bed:

    Michael: "Ooh, it's a Sleep Number bed! Hey, everybody, look at me; I'm gay!"

    John: "Would someone please kill me?"

    The designers learn they will be meeting Todd Oldham:

    Designers: "Oh, My God! Oh, My God!"

    OK, calm down!

    Todd Oldham is waiting for us at the Pacific Design Center. Now, I'm sure he's fabulous and all but someone at Bravo needs to sit people down and explain how to use bronzer. Seriously, he's as bad as Michael Kors. What's the deal? And he talks like he's narrating a children's program. It's truly bizarre.

    Todd tells us about the Pacific Design Center, "One of the most respected design centers in the world!" And you thought it was just one of your regular, run-of-the-mill design centers. I bet you feel foolish now!

    We are shown all the fabulous things "In almost any style you can imagine" in the showrooms of the Pacific Design Center, or PDC to those in the know. Which is, basically, everyone. We are shown into the design room:

    Todd: "Look: a blank white wall! Isn't that exciting?! You lucky people don't have to stare at a stupid Macy's Accessory Wall!"

    Well, that is pretty nice! OK, the designers are paired up for the first challenge:

    Michael is paired with John.

    Vincent Libretti: "This will be the nightmare of your life."

    Michael and John: "You got that right, freak."

    Goil is paired with Elizabeth. The dream team.

    Erik is paired with Carisa. They seem to work fine together.

    Heather is paired with Lisa.

    Lisa: "I'm a control freak and I don't like working with anyone else."

    Well, that's a good start.

    Matt is paired with Felicia and Ryan is paired with Andrea.

    There is a table with a few items on it: what looks like a black-velvet painting of a bald guy, a disco ball, a giant Asian doll's head, a cool 70s television, and a dead bug in a frame.

    Todd: "These items belong to a 'celebrity'. The viewers at home can't see this but I'm secretly putting the word 'celebrity' in quotes. You will be designing a relaxing space for this 'celebrity' based only on the ridiculous items you see here."

    Lisa: "Ooh, I have a great idea: let's make the room Asian-inspired."

    Oh, come on! You know you were going to make an Asian-inspired room no matter what the challenge was!

    Lisa: "You have a problem with that?"

    No. That's fine.

    Todd: "You will get to borrow, or 'memo out', items from the PDC showrooms."

    Memo out?

    Todd: "Yeah, that's what we call borrowing stuff in the industry."

    Why not just call it borrowing stuff?

    Todd: "Because then I couldn't show off my knowledge of special industry terms."


    Todd: "Anyway, you'll get fifty million dollars to spend in the showrooms and an additional twelve hundred and fifty billion to spend on paint and lumber. And you'll have two years to complete the project."

    OK, I know that's not really what he said. But, compared to Project Runway and Top Chef, their budget and time allotment seems outrageously generous.

    Andrea: "We only get two days? That's like two seconds in the design world."

    Yeah? Well, cry me a river.

    Ryan says his room is Stanley Kubrick meets Annette Funicello. No, that's not right. Sorry, I always get these "blank meets blank" quotes wrong.

    We learn valuable lessons from Todd, such as, "Unlock that selvage!"

    Then we are taken into the "white room," where we meet the judges and the "celebrity."

    The judges are Jonathan Adler, Kelly Wearstler, and Margaret Russell (of El DeBarge Magazine). The "celebrity" is, you guessed it, Alexis Arquette! What, you didn't guess that?

    They really rip the designers' work to shreds:

    Jonathan Adler: "Some of your work wasn't very good."

    Whoa! Ease up there! Let them keep some of their dignity!

    The judges like Goil and Elizabeth's room, which features a sand pit and a swing:

    Margaret Russell: "It just wasn't boring enough for my taste."

    Right. Well, most of the judges like Goil and Elizabeth's room and they win! Congratulations!

    Heather and Lisa basically just have a big bed in a room and the judges think it looks like a Chinese restaurant (I guess one of those restaurants with a bed?). Also they are way under budget, which they pretend is a good thing but the judges don't agree:

    Jonathan Adler: "I'm always looking for a client who is willing to open his pocketbook."

    Other Eric: "Why does it not surprise me that he has male clients with pocketbooks?"

    Heather and Lisa lose. At least with this team challenge both team members paid equally. That's a nice change of pace.

    Heather: "It was entirely my fault ... for listening to Lisa."

    The losers are told "Goodbye."

    "Goodbye"?! No "Pack your tape-measures and go"?! They have to come up with something better than that!


    Friday, February 2, 2007

    Diva Of The Week Winner

    Our very first Diva of the Week winner is the one and only....
    drum roll please....

    I have the feeling that our naughty boy

    will be winning this award several times
    during this season.

    Even though you were bullied by John, you kept your diva attitude intact.

    You made me so proud!

    Presented by: TheHoInMo

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    Are Todd Oldham and Ellen Degeneres The Same Person?

    You be the judge.

    I knew that I had seen that sweater before
    and the hair style was vaguely familiar.
    Then it hit me, Ellen!

    I think that they could be one and the same,

    what do you think?

    From TheHoInMo


    Smugly, Sweetly ...

    ... the winners!

    Can one be humble and sweet and talented at the same time? I think so. Goil's and Elizabeth's "Victory Dance" video on Bravo talked about validation, and pride in their talent and creative work without putting down the competition. Kudos to you both!

    From Ms.Place

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    Thursday, February 1, 2007

    Bye Lisa and Heather!

    We hardly knew you, but we wish you well! Here's a brief recap of your stint on Top Design.

    These lines will disguise the fact that we don't know what we're doing!

    Should I tell them what I think or just keep making faces from the sideline?

    Taa Daa! It's a sofa. It's a bed. It's a sofa bed!

    Uh, oh, there goes my career as a top designer.

    Ciao, dahlings. You'll see me soon again!

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    Top Design Disclaimer

    by Damselfly


    Welcome to the White Room. Please pick up your straight jackets at the door. Empty your pockets of all sharp objects including but not limited to screw drivers, fabric scissors, nails, needles, paint brushes, exacto knives, credit cards, and nasty glares. We would like to encourage the use of shoes without laces as situations at times may become a bit overwhelming and the temptation to use them on yourself or others...or in your designs would be too strong.

    Your analysts tonight will be a group of Design Divas. They will be assisted by a D-list actress with A-list relatives and Z-list taste. Please listen to what they have to say because the little bits of help that they will throw in your direction may be hidden inside of sarcasm so if you are not paying attention you may miss it making the whole experience a giant waste of everyone’s time.

    The walls are heavily padded and lit for your safety as well as providing an ambiance conducive to calming the most tangled nerves in the most stressful circumstances.

    Please leave your gripes, snipes, designer baggage, egos, eye rolling, back stabbing, resumé boasting, self centered qualities at the door. We will not be responsible for any lost tempers due to your inability to follow this simple request. We ask that you conduct all drama in the direction of the cameras as Bravo will need to document all bad behavior for future humiliating public displays.

    Do not try to argue with the narcissists. It only lends fuel to an inner fire that is already burning out of control.

    Do not tempt your host with bronzer, tanning creme, or any form of blush as he is working to overcome his addiction and we would like to avoid any set backs.

    Do not speak unless spoken to and even then do not elaborate as we are very important people with very important things to do and don’t have time to waste on...who are you again? And lets face it...we really don’t care.

    And finally, please do not hit on the carpenters...That goes for all of you. They are here strictly as a support team and are not trained to deal with your taste issues and personality disorders.
    Beyond that, please enjoy yourselves for as long as “you can stay” and feel free to rest up on our strategically placed Sleep Number Beds.
    Bravo Production Team

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    Wednesday, January 31, 2007

    Winning Team

    Goil and Elizabeth! Congratulations you two!

    "Once we know what we're doing, this will go fast."

    Let's choose a graphic pattern on the wall!

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    Two Will Be Auf'd!

    Two designers will go tonight! The guest mystery judge? Alexis Arquette.
    Alexis is "sister" to David Arquette, Rosanna Arquette, and Patricia Arquette. She will help to choose which team of two will win, and which team of two will go.
    Stay tuned, TD Fans.

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    Take a Guess: Who Will Be Auf'd First?

    Tuesday, January 30, 2007

    Andy's New Set Revealed!

    Oh, Andy, how could Bravo stint you like this? Look at the paltry gray set they gave you for your live chats for Top Chef 2! Did you have no say in the matter? Bravo has been making a gazillion advertising dollars off it's Project Whatever reality shows, but look how they're treating you, you poor sweet man.
    They've exiled you to some tiny curtained corner on Wednesday nights and stuck you with a tinny sound and some cheesy props. Even Charley Rose’s set over at PBS looks better than yours, and that’s saying nothing!

    So what do you think about the set design, Tom and Sam?
    "Er, huh, ah, well...very In-teres-ting, Andy. Actually, we'd rather not say."

    In making the decision to compete with us genius bloggers on our busiest night of the week, one would have thought that Bravo would have elicited the help of its new phalanx of designers to design a fabulous set for you.

    Our Top Designers are right on top of things! In their zeal to get started, and without any prompting from the big brass in the control room, the designers formed four groups of three. Their mission? To design a new set for you based on a 60's or 70's show theme. Here's what they came up with.

    Happy Days Set Design: Team led by Michael Adams, with Cariza Prez-Fuentes and Erik Kolacz.

    "We envision Andy in a diner with nice naugahide booths decorated with aquamarine pleather and a bright red and white checkered floor. Tom and Marion could help him host the chats. They're so accessible. Besides, they need the job, having been without work for almost two decades.

    Here's our Andy on the Happy Day's set!

    And here are his cohosts.

    The Lost in Space Set: John Gray's team, comprising of Elizabeth Moore and Andrea Keller went space age.

    "This Lost in Space ambiance, with its simplistic backdrop and emphasis of function over form is our way of propelling Andy into the 25th Century. Andy's brains will have grown too big for his head, so we'll need the Robot to prop him up as he talks to his guests."

    When asked about his inspiration, John Gray, team leader said,"We feel that the original set was not gray enough. We intend to extend the gray so that the guests, Andy, and grayness meld into one, completely receding into the backdrop. Even Andy as the Robot will be dressed in gray. Gray is good. Gray is a winner. Let Grayness reign!"

    The Gilligan's Island Set: Led by team leader Lisa Turner and her mates Ryan Humphrey and Felicia Bushman.

    "We feel that Andy needs a team to help him through those awkward first moments. He doesn't need props, but needs to be surrounded by people who will prop him up. Set in a natural environment made of foam rocks and Colorado River Water pumped in from the Mexican Border, only a few coconut husks and some mountains of luggage will be needed to complete our vision for Andy."

    The final team, lead by Heather Ashton and consisting of Matt Lorenz and Goi Amornvivat, decided to design the new set around the concept of a bottle. Hence, the "I Dream of Jeannie" set was born.

    "This set was born out of magic, it breathes magic, it exudes magic from every tasseled corner. Aside from sensual textures, this set promises sexual tension for the viewers, guests, and host for years to come. America is all about sexual tension. Without it, advertising wouldn't exist. Without sex, we wouldn't exist. This set, therefore, is more than the sum of its parts."

    Guest judge Barbara Eden gave rather harsh reviews for the first three sets, but waxed ecstatic over the final choice! "I was stuck wearing that outfit for untold years. For almost half a century I couldn't eat more than a few grapes, carrot sticks, or prunes for fear of popping my belly button. It's time for someone else to don my belly baring mantle. Andy is the perfect choice!"

    "Thank you, Bravo, for my new set. I'll endeavor to do it justice!"

    "Dayum, Andy! We hoped you'd choose us! How much longer are we gonna be stuck on this blasted island? We're almost out of clean clothes! Tell Bravo to get us outta here, will ya? Any series will do. Pride goeth before the storm, which is comin.'"

    Posted: Ms. Place

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    Monday, January 29, 2007

    Diva of the Week

    After watching the previews for Top Design and seeing that the war has already begun, I have decided to start awarding the coveted "Diva of the Week" prize to those that display the best diva attitude each week.

    It could be a designer, judge, guest or yes, even a poster on this wonderful blog that gets to take home this prestigious award.

    So freshen your lipstick & sharpen your claws and let the bitchery begin!

    Click HERE to see this weeks Bravo preview of Episode 1.
    Chick HERE to see this weeks Top Design Yahoo video.

    Posted: TheHoInMo

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