Taste Patrol

Three Hula Man Bobble Award

I anoint Goil as this week’s Three Man Hula Bobble Award Winner. I'm just crazy about our Goil-friend. From his extraordinary talent to his enthusiasm to his cute smile and funky hairdo, I've become one smitten fan.

How sweet are these photos of Goil on the GO? He behaves like a happy kid, always bubbly and smiling and in perpetual motion, even when shopping in Wal-Mart, er, K-Mart, er, Target. Whatever.

And his introduction is so sweetly distinctive: "Hi, my name is Goil as in Gar-Goil."

You got me at Hi, dahling.

Now that my favorite drama Queen, John, has been auf’d, I can only plead to the judges not to prematurely auf you. I am addicted to watching you and seeing what you’ll design next. You’ll go far, Goil-Star, and it doesn’t hurt that you’re a buffo architect and designer. Your enthusiasm is infectious. I loved watching you crawl into that hidey hole and pretend to shoot the judges with a plastic (water?) pistol.

You placed your furniture on wheels so your wee client, Matt, can rearrange his room easily. How cool and practical is that? It's interesting to note how your $8,000 room had a similar feel to the $50,000 room you and Elizabeth designed. Your subtle wall designs have a richness of pattern and color that don't easily translate over the t.v. screen from a distance. The more I see them the more I like them, but why did you choose those kitsch pepper thingies two weeks in a row? Did you think we wouldn't notice? Once cute, twice...repetitive.

Nevertheless, Ms. Place adores her Goil-friend. And she’d like to see him meet a design challenge every Wednesday. (You hear me Bravo? He's a keeper.)

Two Hula Man Bobble Award

My Two Hula Man Bobble Award goes to Erik.

I would have awarded him Three Bobbles for just for being tasty and delicious, but I must adhere to my strict criteria for awarding my precious hula men! Erik's pirate room - fun and age appropriate - is too fussy for my Euro tastes, although the judges obviously liked it. Visually, there's too much going on. Yes, his client, Trent, loved the room, but Goil's young Matt also liked the space created for him. And what’s up with that plant? What ten-year-old boy wants a big old nasty unclimable tree taking up his precious play space? Compare this eye sore monstrosity to the way Carisa incorporated her plants into her overall design. Lush and sophisticated. Buffo, Carisa. You go, girl! I love the bold way you approached this challenge. However, no young boy wants wussy pillows on his floor. When they stop having a useful function, they become superfluous tchotchkes in my book. I know, I know, you bought them for your adult client, but you should have tossed them aside when you realized Kevin could trip over them and break his baby teeth.
Here’s a mantra I suggest you memorize: "Less pillows. Less pillows. Less pillow." And try to refrain from using your repetitive green and orange-tomato red-persimmon color scheme again. This is the second week in a row that you chose this particular color combination. Next time might not be the charm.

The Bobble Won't Wobble Award

The Bobble Won’t Wobble Award goes to Mikey. After meeting his precocious client, Mikey realized that the antiseptic room he designed for a liver-spotted octogenarian might not work for a tender child like Breanna. Spiffing it up with a feathered butterfly, some Diva accessories, and plumpy Carisa-like pillows, Mikey said to himself, "I've used no Chuckie-Cheese aesthetic here! She could live in this room from her teens to her dotage. "

Imagining replacing his treacly Home Sweet Home pillow with one replica after another throughout the interminable ages, Mikey realized he was on to something new: Client retention for a hundred zillion years!
Then, to his complete surprise, the people he'd counted on to judge his room weren't chosen! Those icky judges who had placed him in the bottom two just the week before were putting the cabosh on his designs again. They even discounted the fact that he’d sullied his perfectly manicured nails to paint walls and lay down a wood floor
Life just ain’t fair, is it Mikey? But take heart. If you lose the competition entirely, you could always find a job as a nurse's aid in some assisted living facility. You'd look as cute in a uniform as Renee Zelwegger, maybe even hotter!

Trash It Award


The Trash It Award goes to fashionista Kelly Wearstler! I love your overall style, dahling, and had a post ready to comment on your fabulosity, but I had to trash it in light of your disastrous fashion choice this week.

I even forgave you for wearing spats in Episode One, because we know they are "In" and because the rest of your outfit was spot on. But when I saw you appear in front of the camera this week, I gagged on my Pinot Noir and nearly SPAT out my pate in reflex. Bravo must have known how awful you looked because I can't find a clear large photo of you wearing your 1920's bathing suit with stiletto heels and gloves.

Dahling, stand in front of a mirror and take a good look at that ridiculous outfit. What were you thinking? And at your age too. Were you planning to go on a bike ride after the show? To a gym? To audition as a flapper bathing beauty for a remake of "Some Like it Hot"?

Next week, you divine talented creature, wear one of those gowns you’re so fond of when posing for magazine covers. That should make up for this week's mistake.And yoo hoo, Margaret! Yes you, dahling. Who'd design a room around a cat? Me and an army of pet lovers! Let it be known we took great exception to your silly statement. Mi casa, my pet's casa. At least that's what he tells me every day.

Well, Ta, dear readers, until next week. Ms. Place can’t wait for the next Top Design show to air as she sorely needs an extra hour of sleep!

Submitted By Ms. Place

Note: Any similarity between my verbal diarrhea and anyone else's is purely by accident. I attribute such coincidence to our watching the same garbage week in and week out. Blame Bravo, not me.

Top Design Recap, Episode 2: Don't Mind Doin' it for the Kids!

Posted by Eric3000

Legal disclaimer: This recap was not tested on animals. It is a mix of fact and fantasy; most of the quotes are fake. I write these before reading anything about the episode so if I repeat anything anyone else has already written, I apologize. Please read my recaps in moderation, preferably under a doctor's supervision. Thank you.

First of all, a shout out to Trixie of Kora in Hell for figuring out who Todd Oldham reminds me of. I'm completely clueless and, apparently, had never heard him speak before so I was a little distracted by his strange vocal stylings last week. I kept thinking, "Who does he remind me of? A television announcer? No, that's not it. Someone narrating a children's movie? No, that's not quite it, either." Well, it's Kenneth the page from 30 Rock. That's exactly it! Thanks to Trixie and others for figuring that out!

OK, my other "first of all" is an apology to John for accusing him of being straight. Well, to be fair, I didn't actually accuse him of being straight; I just insinuated that he wanted us to think he was straight. Well, it turns out that not only is he gay, which most people guessed, but he is completely open about it. I guess he simply isn't that into queenie guys.

Tim Gunn: "Chacun à son goût."

My sentiments exactly, Tim.

Anyway, we start with a scene clearly meant to make him a sympathetic character and to basically announce that he will be leaving the show soon:

John: "I know many of you have been asking yourselves, 'Why is he so butch and manly?' Well, it's because I'm HIV positive and just had a hormone shot. So the raging drama queen was totally me but the violent behavior was the testosterone. I'm not apologizing for my behavior but I just want to make it clear that I don't hate Michael and I'm really sorry about the way I acted."

It sounds like you are apologizing for your behavior.

John: "Oh, my god! Can't you just let me talk without interrupting me all the time? What is it with you gays?"

Sorry.

John: "That's OK. I want to say that I'm feeling much better today and I think I have my anger under control."

Five minutes later:

John: "That bitch took the flooring I wanted!"

Well, at least he's trying. I'm just glad I'm not on hormones; because I would definitely kill the person who picked out the theme song for this show. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

The challenge this week is to create a 12 x 12 foot bedroom with $8,000 to memo out furnishings from the PDC and some other money for supplies and also the use of a carpenter.

Matt: "This is really hard because for the last challenge we had $50,000, which is the right amount for a room and now we only have $8,000, which could be the price of one piece of furniture."

Well, here's a suggestion: don't buy an $8,000 piece of furniture, then. Geez! No, seriously, I understand they aren't shopping Ikea; they have to pick stuff from the PDC. But there's plenty of stuff at the PDC that doesn't cost $8,000. They don't even have to buy very much, since they get a free mattress and they have to build the bed frame. It also looks like they are getting free flooring from Lumber Liquidators. If I gave a designer $8,000 to furnish my bedroom and they complained that it wasn't enough, I would whack them upside the head.

Sorry for my ranting but I guess I've just seen too much Decorating on a Dime on HGTV.

So, the designers are given profiles for their clients that must look like really frightening personal ads:

My best friend is my cat.
Looking for someone who is into pirates.
I stare at myself a lot in the mirror.
Soccer is my life.
I enjoy outdoor activities and long walks on the beach.
Can I get a pony?

The designers make proposals for their clients (Goil makes a cute maquette of his room). But it isn't until after they buy the furniture that they finally get to meet with their clients. There is a big buildup to make sure we understand that there will be something really unusual about the clients. And the surprize is ...

Tim Gunn walks in with a bunch of adorable little dogs!!

Oh, how cute would that have been? But no, the clients are actually a bunch of children. So the designers have to change their plans and make the furniture they bought fit into a child's room. But they get more money to spend and the carpenter can build things for them so it shouldn't be impossible.

Because they won last week, Goil and Elizabeth get an extra $100 to spend. I'm pretty certain this made absolutely no difference.

Designers: "We're here shopping at 'a department store.' It's not Target, if that's what you're thinking."

Of course, they are at Target but, for some reason, they have to keep referring to it as "a department store." Did Target not come up with enough extortion money to satisfy the Bravo producers? As Eric points out, most of the judges, including the guest judge tonight, sell their wares at Target. So why were they not allowed to do the tie in? Weird.

Micheal: "Hey, everyone, I am pooping my pants at how close my purchases came to the amount we had to spend! I am so good at shopping!"

Thanks for sharing that. So, anyway ...

Michael: "Know why I'm so good at shopping? Because I'm gay! See, because gays like to shop ... and I'm really gay!"

We know. But I have more important things to discuss right now, if you don't mind. John didn't pick any of the free flooring because he didn't get his first choice so he decided to spend part of his carpentry budget on white linoleum, or something stupid like that. Well, the carpenter didn't have enough money so now he has no flooring at all. That was some pretty poor planning. The carpenter didn't do a great job either; he should have gotten something, even if he had to go with something much cheaper than they had originally wanted. Apparently they don't have any contact with the carpenters while they are shopping. Bravo can't spring for cell phones?

Oh, and also, the mattresses they were promised are twin-size because the rooms are for children. Most of the designers assumed they were getting queen-size, though I don't know why they would make that assumption; why not full or king? Anyway John is freaking out because he bought sheets that are too big for the bed. He's having a total nervous breakdown:

John: "Why is everything happening to me? What am I supposed to do with these queen-size sheets and a twin-size bed? I should just give up and go home now."

Why don't you just put the sheets on the bed and tuck the extra fabric under the mattress?

John: "Oh, good idea."

That's my fancy college education at work.

Matt has put in these recessed lights in the wall that make the room look like a giant make-up mirror. I really like them!

Matt: "You don't like anything else?"

No. OK, it was actually Michael who had that conversation with Matt but it was pretty much what I was thinking. Michael's bitchy honesty was kind of funny and endearing. But frankly, one good idea in a room is better than none so I give Matt's room a thumbs up.

We go to the white room and meet our judges, Johnathan, Kelley, and Margaret, and our guest judge, Liz Lange. Liz designs maternity wear, which apparently qualifies a person to judge the design of children's rooms.

Goil's room is really cute. It's very minimalist and I can imagine that he didn't have to change much from his adult design. This room would work for someone of any age. He has the bed slide into a hole in the wall:

Judges: "That's nice in the studio but where would that space come from in someone's house?"

Goil: "Well, I'm very interested in space so if you add space to one space you just take space away from another space. I think using space really teaches children about ... um, what's the word I'm looking for? ... Oh, yeah: space."

Kelley: "The bed is nice but that hiding place wasn't very good because I could still see you."

Goil: "Well, no matter where I hide I'll never be able to escape your hideous outfit."

Touché!

Carisa's room is very nice but we just don't think it really looks like a boy's room. Still a thumbs up, though.

Margaret: "I just think the edges are too hard for a child's room."

Carisa: "I bet nothing in my room is as hard as your helmet-hair."

Oh, burn! These designers are really holding their own tonight!

Andrea, who looks like a giant tonight in those platform shoes, designs a room featuring a Murphy bed and it's pretty good but the judges just think there is not enough glitter.

Gary Glitter: "Hey, baby, there's enough of me to go around. Especially when it comes to children's bedrooms."

OK, Gary, that's disgusting.

John's room is just a disaster. Even with a floor and a bigger bed it still would have been, at best, boring.

Jonathan: "He's the Mayor of Excuses Village."

John: "Well, you're the Governor of Not Getting Expressions Quite Right. I think you mean Excusesville."

Jonathan: "Sounds like someone is making more excuses!"

Felicia's room is too sophisticated. The chessboard touches are nice but it doesn't look like she did much to adjust it to a children's room.

Elizabeth makes the room into a soccer field. It's fun and appropriate for a child's room. So what if the child is confused by the little metal buckets? Just fill them with junk and stop trying to make sense of everything!

Ryan designs a room around a cat.

As I've mentioned, Matt's room has those cool recessed lights. Unfortunately he also put up black curtains. The judges don't think that is appropriate for a child's room but I disagree; black curtains are not appropriate for any room.

Margaret: "This may be an unusual observation but I think black is funereal. There; I said it and I'm glad."

Michael's room is totally boring. Kelley thinks it looks like an assisted-living facility. She's absolutely right. It looks like a grandma's room.

Michael: "Grandma/little girl; what's the difference? They both like tacky, flowery crap, right?"

Jonathan: "Where did that 'home sweet home' pillow come from?"

He's obviously asking because he's afraid it might have a "Jonathan Adler" label on the back.

Michael: "I got it at 'a department store' that shall remain nameless."

Who knew you could even get something that ugly at Target?

Erik creates a pirate-themed room.

Margaret: "I just hope that kid really likes pirates and it wasn't just one thing he mentioned in passing."

Other Eric: "OK, that was the most astute thing she's said."

Sure, it's a bit much but it looks like so much work went into that space that I find it amazing he had the same amount of time as the other designers! It's pretty cool! Erik deserves the win and he gets it! Congratulations, Erik! And he wins immunity for the next challenge!

Goil and Elizabeth: "Hey, all we got was a lousy hundred bucks!"

The judges decide that, as boring as Michael's room was, at least it was a room. John has to leave. Sorry we didn't get to see more from him; he seems like he works really hard but he just fell apart this week. He says goodbye to Todd:

John: "I was chosen from thousands of designers to be on this show. Nobody can take that away from me."

Todd: "Well, we can try."

Diva Of The Week Winner

I had a hard time picking out our Diva of the Week.
A diva needs to provide drama and this episode had NONE.
Michael did get one eye roll in as the judges were trashing his design,
but I wanted, I needed, I craved more!
I had my own personal drama over Kelly's gloves though.
What was she thinking?

OK, I've rambled along enough....
The Diva of the Week award goes to...

Bravo you are a big tease, letting us think that this episode was going to be full of drama. I can just imagine the producers sitting at home watching the show, rolling their eyes (after taking lessons from Michael) and giggling like a bunch of school girls because they know that they suckered us good.

Get your act together Bravo before our readers on this blog start getting nasty.

(((MUAH)))

Presented by: TheHoInMo

Is there any Emmy for the Most Boring Hour on TV?

by Damselfly

Do I have to watch this all season? It's 10 o'clock at night people...I'm yawning here. How is a show about design only 25 minutes of design and 35 minutes of judging?...and I'm being kind in not subtracting the time for commercials. I think we should redub this thing TOP JUDGE.

What's up BRAVO? Is interior design really that boring? Or do you just think your contestants are and you're hoping your judges are going to save the show? They aren't. Could you have put together a more highbrow group of people to judge the whimsy of childrens' rooms? The kids were there...right?...they had ideas about what the designers had done for them....could we have seen more of that? It's like the judges were too busy and important to take the time to walk through each space with the kid it was designed for...so we'll just have Todd do it and show snip-its. And if that wasn't bad enough it's like you put the speed that Jonathan Adler can speak in his contract.
Could....he.....drag.....things....out.....any....longer....? Does anyone else feel as if watching this show is like trying to stay awake through a 3rd grader's book report....

Episode 2 of Top Designer
by Little Susie Sunshine

The designers woke up and went to the art room. Todd was there. He told them everyone had to design bedrooms. They made their designs. They went shopping and many didn't have enough money. Then they went back to the art room. Todd came back with the people they had to make bedrooms for. They were 10. Everyone had to change their designs. They went to the empty rooms and started work. Some people painted. Some people used hammers. Some people were happy and some people were scared. Todd came and talked with everyone alone. Then he left. Then he came back and told them to stop and go to the white room. They all went to the white room. The judges were there and they were all smiling. They all went to the rooms the designers made. When the lights turned on everyone was standing by their room. The judges went to everyone's room and wrote things down. Then everyone went back to the big white room. The judges sat and the designers stood. The judges asked everyone questions and everyone answered. Then the designers left and the judges talked. Then the designers came back. Some of them got to stay. Erik won and John lost. John went home.

Everyone still with me...no...well neither is my husband who is currently asleep in a chair in our living room where he was sitting when we turned the show on...you get my point.

And while we're on the subject of boring...what I'm really interested in knowing now before I commit to watching this whole season is if every week we are going to be stuck in the habitrail known as the Pacific Design Center with limited trips to Target...and next week what appears to be Pier1.

It's like a designer's version of 'Groundhog's Day'...oddly appropriate...where every day they get up and go to the space that they left last night painted and decorated...but now it's....eeek!....white again! Nightmarishly boring and oddly monotonous for the fact that it's a new design every week. It reminds me of having a doll house as a young girl and resetting up the rooms every time you want to play with it...new arrangement; same space. While imagination helped the process as a child...it's not doing much to help the show along for this adult viewer.

BRAVO producer: Note to self regarding future projects: Maybe the TOP RUNWAY formula doesn't work for every occupation....scratch TOP Taxidermist!

Erik Wins

Congratulations, Tasty and Delicious and Goil! You took the top spots. What a trio of talented designers!

However, the Pirate theme won out! Kudos to you, Erik. You deserved the win.

By Miss Place

Goodbye, John

This episode was all about you.



We learned why you were so angry last week, and were impressed by how you informed your fellow designers you were HIV positive and that you thought your testosterone injection was responsible for your uncontrollable anger.

In this episode you had several crucial setbacks, and to be fair, nothing seemed to go your way. But you kept plugging away, hoping to stay in the game. Dahling, we thank you for making those first two Top Design episodes ROCK! And we simply loved that adorable girlie hug you gave Tod towards the end. Ta! We'll miss you.

Clap your hands, everyone, and send John your love.

By Miss Place

New Episode Tonight!

Yabba Doo! Come join us. You'll have a gay old time!

By Miss Place

Who Will Be Auf'd Next?

Give us your feedback, Top Design fans!
You've seen the previews on Bravo and Yahoo.
Who'se next to go?
Why?

By Miss Place

Oh!!! We Need To Peek!!!

The previews for this weeks episode are now available.

Click HERE for the Bravo preview

Click HERE for the Yahoo preview

Remember... Jonathan said last weeks winners would have a leg up on the next challenge.

Oh, pray it isn't so!!

Taste Patrol

Three Hula Men Bobble Award:

For sheer entertainment value, the team of John and Mikey receive my first ever Three Hula Men Bobble Award! Such drama! Such fun! From the horrified "Oh Look Who Drew the Same Color Paint Sample As Me" stares, to the sheer disgust on their faces as they clashed during their challenge, this team had me rolling on the floor with laughter. They’re sillier than Mutt and Jeff, Felix and Oscar, Britney and Kevin, and Whitney and Bobby rolled into one. Do you know anyone who’s as pushy as John? Or as inept with a paint roller as Mikey? I can’t recall a single feature of the room they designed, aside from the diagonal wood floor, that’s how focused I was on their rubber faced expressions of extreme distaste for each other. I can’t WAIT for the next John and Mikey encounter. Can you?


Two Hula Men Bobble Award:

For being gracious, talented, and creative, and for designing a playful, funky environment that was spot on, the Two Hula Men Bobble Award goes to our winners, Elizabeth and Goil (as in gargoyle.) Why didn’t they receive the Three Hula Men Bobble Award? Well, even though they won the competition, I was amazed, no, completely flummoxed to observe that a $51,250 room could LOOK so spare and (dare I say it?) cheap. Really, Bravo, give Ms. Place the same amount of money and she could do a whole lot better. She’d make that swing move all by itself, have real waves lap at that sandbox, contrive for a fresh breeze to waft in every 10 seconds, and train gulls to fly overhead. She’d even pipe in soothing whale mating calls just for show.


The Bobble Won't Wobble Award:

Now we get to the tchotchkes. Yes, those unnecessary trinkets, baubles, and accessories that serve no real useful function and clutter up one’s interior, making it difficult for one's maid to dust. The Bobble Won’t Wobble Award goes to Tasty and Delicious. Yes, I know they got along great and were as cute as Bambi and Thumper, but, hey, you two, where did you expect Alexis to sit on that couch? Not even her dog could have found a spot among all those tchotchke pillows. And worse, you scattered the extras (extras?) on the FLOOR! Alexis would have tripped on her stilettos before she even reached the sofa. Oh, wait! Do I see tchotchkes IN the fireplace? And blood red accents? Oh, Tiny Tim, please wish us a Merry Christmas!


The Trash It Award:

I hate to beat a dog when it’s down, but the Trash It award goes to Heather and Lisa. First, they did not spend all their money. Huh? This was your first competition, ladies. You’re supposed to show the judges what creative stuff you are made of. So instead of finding a few truly excellent and beautiful pieces of furniture, you focused all your attentions on a hideous faux oriental day bed. Do you hear fingernails scratching on a blackboard? That’s the sound of my anguish and pain as I think of the lovely opportunity you wasted. Second, you cluttered the place with plants. Plants? Dahlings, this room was supposed to be a restful haven. Plants are WORK. (And do not tell me they are artificial.)From Ms.Place

An introductory note: Ms. Place formulates her ideas for her posts and writes them shortly after a fresh episode of Top Design has aired, placing them in a queue for publication. Any duplication of brilliant comic thought and inspired point of view is purely coincidental.