• Saturday, February 17, 2007

    Top Design Recap: Beach Blanket Bitching: or It takes a gay village!

    by Eric3000

    Legal disclaimer: This recap is %100 organic, using only locally grown produce. It is a mix of fact and fantasy; most of the quotes are fake. Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this recap.

    For crying out loud! Our stupid Time Warner digital cable is out again! What is up with that? Fortunately, we already watched the episode of Top Design Wednesday night. But I thought I would watch it again before I wrote this and now I can't. So if I forget anything, you know why.

    Jonathan Adler: "Wow, Eric3000 sounds like the mayor of Excuses Village today."

    Shut it, Jonathan!

    OK, can I just say that the theme song for the show is really starting to grow on me. I guess it's just one of those songs I had to hear a few times before I loved it.

    Just kidding!

    So, we're in the workroom at the PDC and in comes Robert from season one of Project Runway, dressed in a postal uniform and delivering packages to the designers. Robert got that job at the Post Office; congratulations, Robert! The packages are filled with completely useless crap that has nothing to do with the challenge. Except for the postcards. The designers are divided into three teams based on matching postcards. The postcards feature images from three holiday beach destinations.

    Which of these things is not like the others?:


    That's right; Saint-Tropez and Miami are beach cities while Tahiti is a whole island with many different towns and beaches! That just seems weird to me, for some reason.

    Todd Oldham: "You will be working as teams to create cabanas inspired by the locations on your postcards. You will have $2,000 for supplies, $3,500 to spend at Pier One, and the use of your three carpenters. You will be judged on ingenuity and originality."

    As apposed to what? A coin toss?

    Todd: "You think you're being funny but that was an option."

    Goil: "Is a cabana like a cabin that's in the shape of a banana?"

    Todd: "No. A cabana is a free-standing shade structure that serves as a private space on the beach or next to a pool."

    Goil: "Ha ha; I knew that. I was just joking about the banana thing. Although I could totally make it."

    Team Saint-Tropez is Carisa, Ryan, and Goil.
    Team Miami is Elizabeth, Erik, and Matt.
    Team Tahiti is Michael, Felicia, and Andrea.

    Goil actually makes use of the stupid objects that were in their packages. He makes a cabana out of flip-flops and pencils:

    Goil: "There, I finished my cabana!"

    You realize it has to be a lot bigger than that, right?

    Goil: "Oh, ha ha; yeah, of course I knew that ... Damn, could someone please explain it to me again?"

    Elizabeth chooses the colors for Team Miami:

    Elizabeth: "OK, so we all agree on these colors, right? Matt was just working in Miami and he agrees on these colors."

    Matt is standing behind Elizabeth looking at the camera and shaking his head. Matt, she can't hear you shaking your head! Maybe you should tell her you don't like the colors.

    On our television, anyway, the colors looked like a very yellow chartreuse and an almost oxblood plum, which I found to be sort of Asian and combined properly with black could look art deco. Unfortunately, while strong colors like that could be used in art deco interiors, they are not right outdoors, especially in Miami.

    Goil designs a Calatrava-inspired cabana that looks nothing like a banana. It's definitely the most interesting structure. Unfortunately he is not paying attention to the fact that his teammates are totally screwing up the furnishings.

    Ryan: "Since Carisa has experience choosing furnishings for set designs and I'm an artist who likes to make all my own furniture, obviously I should be the one to go shopping at Pier One."

    Goil: "He's making a lot of sense, Carisa. Plus, buying fabric is totally a girl's job. That's why Matt and Michael are doing it."

    Carisa: "Fine! But I'm going to buy shitty fabric! And be prepared for me to complain about everything."

    Ryan: "Oh, I'm ready! Bring it!"

    Ryan buys some cute trendy/retro crap at Pier One. It would actually look good in a little girl's room; maybe one without a cat. But it definitely does not look like the conservative yacht culture of Saint-Tropez. It also doesn't go with the clean, modernist structure Goil designed."

    Carisa: "Oh, my god! I hate everything you got!"

    Ryan: "You haven't even seen it yet!"

    Carisa: "I don't need to see it to know I hate it. I'll just cover everything with this hideous fabric."

    Ryan: "The angle on this overhang needs to be one degree closer to the vertical."

    Carisa: "Ugh. It's such a small detail. That's why I'm going to keep arguing about it."

    To the camera:

    Carisa: "Goil and I are on the same page here."

    Ryan: "I think Goil and I work well together. Carisa just doesn't get it."

    Goil: "I'm going to rip both of them new assholes in about thirty seconds."

    Todd: "Oh, and two more thing: First, Bravo lost the Pier One receipt so we can't return all the stuff you just bought. That means you can go ahead and alter any of your purchases. Also, you'll need to assemble your cabanas on the beach tomorrow and you won't have access to electricity. So you'll only be able to use hand tools. You'll be working your carpenters really hard. I can just picture them now, really going at it on the beach, their skin glistening in the sun and ... oh, sorry, I think I need to sit down for a minute."

    The next day they are on the beach:

    Carisa: "I'm grumpy! I hate the beach! I hate the sun and the sand and the water! And why do I always have to the one spritzing sunscreen on these incredibly hot shirtless carpenters? It's so unfair!"

    Team Tahiti is doing really well. Their cabana is beautiful. But, you know, there's just one thing I require in a cabana:


    I'm sorry, but I sympathize with Carisa a little. Although I love swimming, I hate being in the sun and I don't get the topless cabana idea. The fact that they kept saying how it was a conscious decision made me think it was definitely not a conscious decision.

    Michael: "It takes a gay village to design a cabana without a roof."

    Oh, my god; I am always saying that! I have no idea what it means but I like it.

    Michael: "Well, I knew you would be upset if I didn't make a reference to being gay at least once in this episode."

    You're right. Thank you.

    The judges show up on the beach:

    Kelly actually looks really nice, for a change. Margaret is adorable, as usual, but she looks a little funereal wearing black on the beach. I just realized she only wears black. She's one of those people.

    The guest judge is drinking the official beer of Ireland:

    Guest judge: "Katherine Ireland, that is."

    Ooh, my sides are aching from laughing so hard. Seriously, who the hell is Katherine Ireland? I've never seen her stuff at Target so she can't be that important.

    The judges don't like the fact that Team Tahiti didn't put a roof on their cabana:

    Michael: "We didn't want to make it too literal. Did you want us to create something from Gilligan's Island?"

    Margaret: "Listen, you little shit, if you don't watch the sass I'll mock your outfit so hard your grandmother will feel the need to change clothes!"

    So, the Tahitian cabana is beautiful, other than the missing roof. The sheer fabric really works. Michael, Felicia, and Andrea win a fabulous girls' weekend getaway at the Viceroy in Santa Monica. Wow, what a getaway; that's almost ten miles away from the PDC. Congratulations, Team Tahiti!

    Team Saint-Tropez really got the furnishings wrong. Jonathan found them a "total bummer," which is about the worst criticism there is the design field. But who's fault is it?

    Ryan: "I went to Pier One. But I went with the color swatches Carisa gave me so nothing is my fault!"

    But weren't you there when she picked out the colors?

    Carisa: "I picked out the shitty fabrics but I really think I should have been the one to go shopping at Pier One."

    I'm leaning toward Carisa's side on this. Yes, she was a pain in the ass but I'm sure she would have picked out better furnishings than Ryan did. And I think the colors could have worked if they had been used differently. Anyway, they're both safe.

    Team Miami screwed up royally. I like the slats in the sides but the fabric is so heavy and ugly. And, while I actually think the yellow and plum could have looked good, they really look like shit when combined with that beige color. The interior is cramped and dark. The judges like the outdoor space but it's not enough to make up for the rest of the awful design. Erik is safe because he won last week. So the question is: should Elizabeth go for choosing those colors or should Matt go for not doing anything at all? That's always the tough decision in team challenges. It was Elizabeth's choice to take charge of the project so I guess it's fair to make her responsible for the results. I hate to see her go because I think she's really talented but that design was bad.

    In scenes from next week we see Kelly with a new hairstyle:

    Other Eric: "Is that a scene from next week or from 1986?"



    Blogger Linda Merrill said...


    Since Michael has about the same coloring as I do (maybe it's that Yankee Massachusetts thing we share) - I have to say I was shocked, yes SHOCKED! that he was willing to forgo this little detail. He paid for it in the studio the next day - with his beet red face. Two words for you dear - aloe vera.

    Ok, eight words...


    February 17, 2007 at 10:01 AM  
    Blogger Linda Merrill said...

    ok - if my mother is reading this, please note that I didn't actually use the f-word myself. I merely copied and pasted Eric's use of it.


    But really, you know that's what you were thinking all those years when you said:

    "Get thee ... out of the sun!"

    And my unwrinkled 44 year old face thanks you for it.

    Maybe that's why they didn't think the roof a necessity - botox and plastic surgery will take care of it, darlings.

    February 17, 2007 at 10:07 AM  
    Blogger Christina said...

    Hee! I'm so pale, I'm practically albino (my hair is nearly black though - so there goes that theory) - seriously, I blind people at the pool (the one time I have been "tan" in my life was on a cruise when I was literally on the fucking equator lathered up with SPF 45), so I too was a little shocked that Tahiti "decided" to forgo the roof. However, they were able to argue their "decision" well enough (that and every other facet of their design was so superior, it was the winner by default), and I could imagine how awesome it would look with a roof - so I was fine with it. If the choice was, "pull an argument for the lack of roof out of our asses" or "have a roof but lose out on putting the finishing touches on the interior stuff" - I'd opt for bullshit too -- but that's my go-to move anyway (bullshit).

    (unlike Linda's mom - my mom expects me to curse - she would never read this comment anyway, but if she did see it, she would go "Oh, that's Christina.")

    February 17, 2007 at 11:20 AM  
    Blogger trixie said...

    I don't have a photo because I have skin so sensitive to light that it won't show up on the screen so in my view the Tahiti cabana might as well have not had a floor.

    They also made up the most half-baked story : "uh it looked better uh it was a fantasy." The dog ate the roof.

    I love all these people who wear black to the beach and then complain about being hot and uncomfortable. Note to future contestants: pack a baseball cap, sunblock, khakis, and a white shirt. Think of it as camp.

    As always you've got some great ones:

    Michael: "It takes a gay village to design a cabana without a roof."

    Seriously, who the hell is Katherine Ireland? I've never seen her stuff at Target so she can't be that important.

    Margaret: "Listen, you little shit, if you don't watch the sass I'll mock your outfit so hard your grandmother will feel the need to change clothes!"

    I may use that one.

    February 17, 2007 at 12:31 PM  
    Blogger Laz said...

    "Listen, you little shit, if you don't watch the sass I'll mock your outfit so hard your grandmother will feel the need to change clothes!"

    Did you snap your fingers in z-formation after you wrote this? It's brilliant!

    I, for one, actually like the opening theme music!

    I died when I saw that preview of Kelly's frizzy hair for next week. Looks like it was clawed and chewed by rats.

    February 17, 2007 at 4:21 PM  
    Blogger eric3000 said...

    "I'll mock your outfit so hard your grandmother will feel the need to change clothes!"

    Thanks! I'm particularly proud of that one! Please use it, with my compliments!

    February 18, 2007 at 10:15 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Margaret Russell

    February 19, 2007 at 6:25 AM  

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