• Saturday, February 10, 2007

    Top Design Recap, Episode 2: Don't Mind Doin' it for the Kids!

    Posted by Eric3000

    Legal disclaimer: This recap was not tested on animals. It is a mix of fact and fantasy; most of the quotes are fake. I write these before reading anything about the episode so if I repeat anything anyone else has already written, I apologize. Please read my recaps in moderation, preferably under a doctor's supervision. Thank you.

    First of all, a shout out to Trixie of Kora in Hell for figuring out who Todd Oldham reminds me of. I'm completely clueless and, apparently, had never heard him speak before so I was a little distracted by his strange vocal stylings last week. I kept thinking, "Who does he remind me of? A television announcer? No, that's not it. Someone narrating a children's movie? No, that's not quite it, either." Well, it's Kenneth the page from 30 Rock. That's exactly it! Thanks to Trixie and others for figuring that out!

    OK, my other "first of all" is an apology to John for accusing him of being straight. Well, to be fair, I didn't actually accuse him of being straight; I just insinuated that he wanted us to think he was straight. Well, it turns out that not only is he gay, which most people guessed, but he is completely open about it. I guess he simply isn't that into queenie guys.

    Tim Gunn: "Chacun à son goût."

    My sentiments exactly, Tim.

    Anyway, we start with a scene clearly meant to make him a sympathetic character and to basically announce that he will be leaving the show soon:

    John: "I know many of you have been asking yourselves, 'Why is he so butch and manly?' Well, it's because I'm HIV positive and just had a hormone shot. So the raging drama queen was totally me but the violent behavior was the testosterone. I'm not apologizing for my behavior but I just want to make it clear that I don't hate Michael and I'm really sorry about the way I acted."

    It sounds like you are apologizing for your behavior.

    John: "Oh, my god! Can't you just let me talk without interrupting me all the time? What is it with you gays?"

    Sorry.

    John: "That's OK. I want to say that I'm feeling much better today and I think I have my anger under control."

    Five minutes later:

    John: "That bitch took the flooring I wanted!"

    Well, at least he's trying. I'm just glad I'm not on hormones; because I would definitely kill the person who picked out the theme song for this show. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

    The challenge this week is to create a 12 x 12 foot bedroom with $8,000 to memo out furnishings from the PDC and some other money for supplies and also the use of a carpenter.

    Matt: "This is really hard because for the last challenge we had $50,000, which is the right amount for a room and now we only have $8,000, which could be the price of one piece of furniture."

    Well, here's a suggestion: don't buy an $8,000 piece of furniture, then. Geez! No, seriously, I understand they aren't shopping Ikea; they have to pick stuff from the PDC. But there's plenty of stuff at the PDC that doesn't cost $8,000. They don't even have to buy very much, since they get a free mattress and they have to build the bed frame. It also looks like they are getting free flooring from Lumber Liquidators. If I gave a designer $8,000 to furnish my bedroom and they complained that it wasn't enough, I would whack them upside the head.

    Sorry for my ranting but I guess I've just seen too much Decorating on a Dime on HGTV.

    So, the designers are given profiles for their clients that must look like really frightening personal ads:

    My best friend is my cat.
    Looking for someone who is into pirates.
    I stare at myself a lot in the mirror.
    Soccer is my life.
    I enjoy outdoor activities and long walks on the beach.
    Can I get a pony?

    The designers make proposals for their clients (Goil makes a cute maquette of his room). But it isn't until after they buy the furniture that they finally get to meet with their clients. There is a big buildup to make sure we understand that there will be something really unusual about the clients. And the surprize is ...

    Tim Gunn walks in with a bunch of adorable little dogs!!

    Oh, how cute would that have been? But no, the clients are actually a bunch of children. So the designers have to change their plans and make the furniture they bought fit into a child's room. But they get more money to spend and the carpenter can build things for them so it shouldn't be impossible.

    Because they won last week, Goil and Elizabeth get an extra $100 to spend. I'm pretty certain this made absolutely no difference.

    Designers: "We're here shopping at 'a department store.' It's not Target, if that's what you're thinking."

    Of course, they are at Target but, for some reason, they have to keep referring to it as "a department store." Did Target not come up with enough extortion money to satisfy the Bravo producers? As Eric points out, most of the judges, including the guest judge tonight, sell their wares at Target. So why were they not allowed to do the tie in? Weird.

    Micheal: "Hey, everyone, I am pooping my pants at how close my purchases came to the amount we had to spend! I am so good at shopping!"

    Thanks for sharing that. So, anyway ...

    Michael: "Know why I'm so good at shopping? Because I'm gay! See, because gays like to shop ... and I'm really gay!"

    We know. But I have more important things to discuss right now, if you don't mind. John didn't pick any of the free flooring because he didn't get his first choice so he decided to spend part of his carpentry budget on white linoleum, or something stupid like that. Well, the carpenter didn't have enough money so now he has no flooring at all. That was some pretty poor planning. The carpenter didn't do a great job either; he should have gotten something, even if he had to go with something much cheaper than they had originally wanted. Apparently they don't have any contact with the carpenters while they are shopping. Bravo can't spring for cell phones?

    Oh, and also, the mattresses they were promised are twin-size because the rooms are for children. Most of the designers assumed they were getting queen-size, though I don't know why they would make that assumption; why not full or king? Anyway John is freaking out because he bought sheets that are too big for the bed. He's having a total nervous breakdown:

    John: "Why is everything happening to me? What am I supposed to do with these queen-size sheets and a twin-size bed? I should just give up and go home now."

    Why don't you just put the sheets on the bed and tuck the extra fabric under the mattress?

    John: "Oh, good idea."

    That's my fancy college education at work.

    Matt has put in these recessed lights in the wall that make the room look like a giant make-up mirror. I really like them!

    Matt: "You don't like anything else?"

    No. OK, it was actually Michael who had that conversation with Matt but it was pretty much what I was thinking. Michael's bitchy honesty was kind of funny and endearing. But frankly, one good idea in a room is better than none so I give Matt's room a thumbs up.

    We go to the white room and meet our judges, Johnathan, Kelley, and Margaret, and our guest judge, Liz Lange. Liz designs maternity wear, which apparently qualifies a person to judge the design of children's rooms.

    Goil's room is really cute. It's very minimalist and I can imagine that he didn't have to change much from his adult design. This room would work for someone of any age. He has the bed slide into a hole in the wall:

    Judges: "That's nice in the studio but where would that space come from in someone's house?"

    Goil: "Well, I'm very interested in space so if you add space to one space you just take space away from another space. I think using space really teaches children about ... um, what's the word I'm looking for? ... Oh, yeah: space."

    Kelley: "The bed is nice but that hiding place wasn't very good because I could still see you."

    Goil: "Well, no matter where I hide I'll never be able to escape your hideous outfit."

    Touché!

    Carisa's room is very nice but we just don't think it really looks like a boy's room. Still a thumbs up, though.

    Margaret: "I just think the edges are too hard for a child's room."

    Carisa: "I bet nothing in my room is as hard as your helmet-hair."

    Oh, burn! These designers are really holding their own tonight!

    Andrea, who looks like a giant tonight in those platform shoes, designs a room featuring a Murphy bed and it's pretty good but the judges just think there is not enough glitter.

    Gary Glitter: "Hey, baby, there's enough of me to go around. Especially when it comes to children's bedrooms."

    OK, Gary, that's disgusting.

    John's room is just a disaster. Even with a floor and a bigger bed it still would have been, at best, boring.

    Jonathan: "He's the Mayor of Excuses Village."

    John: "Well, you're the Governor of Not Getting Expressions Quite Right. I think you mean Excusesville."

    Jonathan: "Sounds like someone is making more excuses!"

    Felicia's room is too sophisticated. The chessboard touches are nice but it doesn't look like she did much to adjust it to a children's room.

    Elizabeth makes the room into a soccer field. It's fun and appropriate for a child's room. So what if the child is confused by the little metal buckets? Just fill them with junk and stop trying to make sense of everything!

    Ryan designs a room around a cat.

    As I've mentioned, Matt's room has those cool recessed lights. Unfortunately he also put up black curtains. The judges don't think that is appropriate for a child's room but I disagree; black curtains are not appropriate for any room.

    Margaret: "This may be an unusual observation but I think black is funereal. There; I said it and I'm glad."

    Michael's room is totally boring. Kelley thinks it looks like an assisted-living facility. She's absolutely right. It looks like a grandma's room.

    Michael: "Grandma/little girl; what's the difference? They both like tacky, flowery crap, right?"

    Jonathan: "Where did that 'home sweet home' pillow come from?"

    He's obviously asking because he's afraid it might have a "Jonathan Adler" label on the back.

    Michael: "I got it at 'a department store' that shall remain nameless."

    Who knew you could even get something that ugly at Target?

    Erik creates a pirate-themed room.

    Margaret: "I just hope that kid really likes pirates and it wasn't just one thing he mentioned in passing."

    Other Eric: "OK, that was the most astute thing she's said."

    Sure, it's a bit much but it looks like so much work went into that space that I find it amazing he had the same amount of time as the other designers! It's pretty cool! Erik deserves the win and he gets it! Congratulations, Erik! And he wins immunity for the next challenge!

    Goil and Elizabeth: "Hey, all we got was a lousy hundred bucks!"

    The judges decide that, as boring as Michael's room was, at least it was a room. John has to leave. Sorry we didn't get to see more from him; he seems like he works really hard but he just fell apart this week. He says goodbye to Todd:

    John: "I was chosen from thousands of designers to be on this show. Nobody can take that away from me."

    Todd: "Well, we can try."

    Labels:

    4 Comments:

    Blogger Linda Merrill said...

    Hysterical!

    February 10, 2007 at 7:57 AM  
    Anonymous Cliff said...

    Fantabulous! So looking forward to more of these!

    (Oh, and is it me or does the entire body of text that leads to one dead link?)

    Hugs, y'all!

    February 10, 2007 at 6:29 PM  
    Blogger Laura K said...

    Hilarious! Thanks Eric.

    February 11, 2007 at 6:25 AM  
    Blogger trixie said...

    Eric I've just reread this and it was one giggle after another. It is best read when you have the time to savor the tasty and the spicey. That is, at the end of a gloomy Monday when your brain is fried.

    E3K: I'm just glad I'm not on hormones; because I would definitely kill the person who picked out the theme song for this show. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

    That hey, hey, hey is starting to freak me out.

    I'm wondering: if you can get a shot of that much testosterone and not do physical violence to someone who is driving you batshit crazy does that actually demonstrate that you have a pretty gentle disposition?

    E3K: I've just seen too much Decorating on a Dime on HGTV.

    On the other hand, DoD has created some real crap. But bad taste is often the reason for watching HGTV.

    Those personal ad lines -- that's poetry my man. I dare you to read that at an open mike night. It's all about the intonation.

    E3K: Tim Gunn walks in with a bunch of adorable little dogs!!
    Oh, how cute would that have been?


    Oh Eric, they can't take away our dreams...

    Todd: "Well, we can try."

    Oh right.

    Your Michael gay gay gay riff just picks up from last week, as if no time had passed, I'm back in hysterics. Repetition is funny.

    Thanks for pointing out the Liz Lange qualification issue. I don't know what she has done but pregnant women are not the same thing as children. It is scary that people think of them as one and the same.

    Goil: "Well, no matter where I hide I'll never be able to escape your hideous outfit."

    ha.

    E3K: He's obviously asking because he's afraid it might have a "Jonathan Adler" label on the back.

    Yes! He or Todd very well COULD have designed it!!

    John: Nobody can take that away from me."
    Todd: "Well, we can try."


    spot on.

    February 12, 2007 at 5:05 PM  

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