Taste Patrol

Dahlings, I’m largely ignoring this week’s garage renovation challenge.

At first I was excited at the thought of our designtestants meeting a real life challenge in a real world setting that had doors, windows, and ceilings. But the more I think about the Bell family's silly requests, the less hopeful I feel about this show finally heading in the right direction.

Puhlease, folks, get real. A fumy, oily garage is no playground for children or a sleeping pen for dogs, and an outhouse is no place for a home office. Our designtestants thought the same thing.

We're *F--Kd* guys, but just keep smilin'

Three Hula Man Bobble Award

My three hula men began to bobble wildly when I chose Erik and Jared as this week's recipients of the prestigious TD Blogger award. My ultra sensitive HUNK thermometer shot up a thousand degrees the moment Erik chose Jared as his carpenter.

Yum, yum, yum! Ms. Place felt her juices flow like slow moving lava through her cholesterol clogged veins in anticipation of viewing these two fabulous specimens of manhood as they toiled half naked alongside each other.

And then…and then…? Bravo failed to deliver what it promised. We hardly saw the carpenters. Waaaah! I’m still recovering from this major let down and have yet to drag my depressed tongue off the floor.

Jared not making Goil-friend cry

Two Hula Man Bobble Award

Two Hula men go to Mikey for his superb timing. At just the divinely right t.v. moment, he stopped his inexplicable tirade against Carisa in order to pee. (Banana yellow in a grape colored urinal, no doubt.) It's a pretty sad indictment, isn't it folks, that I'm handing one of my valuable awards to a bathroom moment. But since the show is tanking, this was as fitting a metaphor as any.

Here's Mikey looking like Igor telling Carisa where to get off. Don't you just love theatre of the absurd?

The Bobble Won’t Wobble Award

Nothing about guest judge Mark Rios wobbles my bobbles. What a dork. You try "composing" trash in four hours, buster. Matt did an outstanding job of ORGANIZING, given the time constraints and the amount of family crapola he needed to paw through.

Where on earth did Bravo find this judge? When I turned to Mark's blog for clarification, I found that he had barely strung 250 intelligible words together. Even the assistant's blog was better, which is saying less than nothing.

The Trash It Award

If you're wondering who's responsible for this yawn of a show, look to the producers. In reading their early interviews, I found little similarity between their first optimistic statements and the final product.

"This highly anticipated new series puts the spotlight on interior design," said Frances Berwick, Executive Vice President, Programming and Production, Bravo. "Los Angeles is an exciting and colorful backdrop that will give our competing interior designers the chance to utilize all the city has to offer, while giving viewers a peek inside their creative and challenging world."

Utilize all the city has to offer? Let’s see. Pacific Design basement cubicles. Pier One. Target. Three square yards of roped off Malibu Beach. The Bell family's uber Disneyfied garage. And…?

We have an early-adopter audience, a crowd that likes the next thing," [Berwick] said. "We're going to lose people as quickly if we don't constantly innovate and rejuvenate. But that makes for the fun part of the job, too."

Gee, gosh, golly, Frances, hope you’re having tons of fun, 'cause we're not.

Scott Stone and Clay Newbill from Stone & Company serve as Executive Producers of the show. Scott was responsible for such non-Emmy worthy projects as Ivana Young Man for Oxygen; America's Ugliest…, for TLC; a The Mole for ABC; Popstars for The WB; Fame for NBC; The Man Show for Comedy Central, and Loveline for MTV.

We could go on and on, but I think you get the gist. Producing Shakespeare, or even good television, for that matter, ain’t one of Stone & Company’s passions. Plus they made the unforgiveable sin of hiring the assistant and putting him in charge of his own useless blog.

I end with a quote from Lauren Salznick, VP of programming,"Now our passionate viewers will be rewarded each week when they 'watch what happens' as the creativity and drama unfold through each pressure-filled design challenge."

Glad you think the show is pressure-filled Lauren. That makes at least one person. Anyone else?

Jonathan, Killer Bee Judge?

Disclaimer: In ordinary times and under ordinary circumstances, Ms. Place is known for her generous hearted spirit, good manners, and sweetness to puppies, helpless babies, little old ladies and designers alike. Her snarkiness and sarcasm have been diagnosed as the result of spending too many hours tossing her shoes at her t.v. screen in frustration as yet another goofy and senseless challenge unfolds on Top Design.