• Sunday, March 18, 2007

    Taste Patrol

    Three Hula Man Bobble Award

    Dahlings, as Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell will attest, there’s nothing more effective than a public spat to make people sit up and take notice. Young Michael and Carisa are not only unsheathing some impressive claws, but their subtext is truly Shakespearean. In fact, I enlisted the aid of my favorite Bard to reveal just what they were actually saying, punctuated by rolling eyes and heaving sighs and dramatic gestures. No doubt about it, their entertaining but immature side show deserved the top prize this week.

    Thou vain common-kissing flap-dragon! Flap flap flap!

    Thou gorbellied dizzy-eyed codpiece! One needeth a microscope to espy thine manly jewels.

    We leak in your chimney!

    Thou art so leaky that we must leave thee to thy sinking.

    Were I like thee I'd throw away myself.

    Most shallow man! Thou worms-meat in respect of a good piece of flesh indeed! [Thou hath] not so much brain as ear wax.

    Thou jarring bat-fowling flax-wench! Take thee hie!

    I will most humbly take my leave of you. You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will not more willingly part withal. I never knew so young a body with so old a head. You are a hideous TOAD that hideth its paltry talent behind a furled tongue! It is thy clouded vision that prevents thee from bowing to my superior design skills. Confess, ye unctuous braying donkey, that I, a fair young maid, thought first and foremost to slake our clients' thirst upon a darkly painted bar!

    [Thou] appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. So there, thou waspish wench. Take thy bossy ass and performeth that which is worthy of thy useless sex, such as DROPPING off the FACE of my MANLY EARTH. Poof! Begone you bragger of naught, I wish thee hie!

    (GAWD, that felt good. Thanks for bearing with me, gentle readers. I feel so much lighter now that I’ve got Shakespeare off my bounteous chest!)

    Two Hula Man Bobble Award

    Goes to Mikey for comforting Goil. Mikey, you are a young Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the making. You should take pride in receiving two prestigious awards this week; one for being a Bitch DIVA, and the other for comforting my Goil-friend.

    I knew Goil was going over the deep end when he began to compare himself to Jan Brady, but you found your inner Marcia and gave him true sympathy. I cannot thank you enough for this tender moment.

    The Bobble Won’t Wobble Award

    Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Just when I thought you'd gotten your fashion sense back again, here you go and wear a Carmen Miranda impersonator's dress and pair it with Olivia Newton John's exercise leggings. My eyeballs can only take so many visual shocks.

    I liked your hair, though, so your look was saved from the Trash It category.

    Please, dahling, try channeling Audrey Hepburn next time (you have the looks and figure.) My sensitive eyeballs will thank you for it.

    In case you think I've been ragging on Kelly too much, gentle readers, here's a link to Go Fug Yourself. Just go look for yourselves and you'll see that Ms. Place is always right.

    The Trash It Award

    Erik and Andrea, I would have forgiven you for ignoring Goil and upsetting him had you come up with a buffo design.

    Your tent was merely ok, and that screen, er barrier, er contraption simply killed any interest I had in entering your space. People had to walk around it. I (along with most everyone) hate to be forced to walk in a single line and guess what’s around the corner.

    Your ground-to-ceiling chandeliers were squat and lacked elegance, and those fuzzy red caterpillar flower arrangements looked amateurish. I found your loss quite surprising, as I assumed that your talented team would easily beat Mikey, Carisa, and Matt-colm In the Middle.

    I hated to see Erik leave because he was one of my faves, but this time the judges were right as he took responsibility for the overall design.

    Well, dahlings, the challenges are getting a tad better. I wish that this challenge had shown up earlier in the competition. My suggestion to the writers is to let our designtestants work on individual designs so that we can judge their work. With Erik gone, I am placing my bets on Matt.

    As an aside, check out Ed Schoen's other site, resident actor, comedian, and carpenter.



    Anonymous Moi ;) said...

    Love the photoshop. And the idea of Mikey as Marcia....lol....

    What IS that on the back of Kelly's head? I am not sure if I like it or not, lol.

    The judges really like Matt, but I am not overly impressed with him. IF this was his design, it's the best thing he's done. I'm still a Goil fan....

    Did you do a blog for PR?

    March 18, 2007 at 3:27 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    GAWD, I love your bardspeak. You had me at "espy thy manly jewels" but "ye unctuous braying donkey" is SO apt.

    You might want to consider the disclaimer "Reading this blog may cause loss of continence"


    March 20, 2007 at 4:58 PM  
    Blogger trixie said...

    I meant to write this sooner -- oh well.

    Fabulous insultinage! I'm a big fan of the genre. (Of course there is the fabulous Shakespearean insults site.)

    Well done.

    March 22, 2007 at 6:53 PM  

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