Top Design Class

T: Hello, designtestants. Welcome to Bravo's Mental Health Class!

S: Hello Ms. Place

T: I know this is just a virtual classroom, but is everyone on board?

S: Yes! Yes. Yeah, Uh, huh. Yup. Yeah. Yes. In a minute, havta reboot. Yep. Yes. Get with it already, I’ve got better things to do than listen to some dumb blond broad tellin’ me what to do. Yes. Yeah.

T: Good. As you know, Bravo wants me to prepare you for the onslaught of publicity you'll experience once the show airs. Today’s topic is: "Keeping Your Sanity as the Anony-Mouses Rip You Apart."

S: Ms. Place, Heather here. We already know about that stuff. I’m not afraid of bad publicity.

T: Yes, well, Heather, I see that you described yourself as being pushy in a conversation with Damselfly. By making that statement, you’ve opened yourself up to the Bravo producers. They’ll place you in a certain role. Some Anony-Mouses will take that little phrase and run with it. They’ll actually believe you ARE pushy.

S: Well, I am.

T: Okey dokey. So that you won't be blind-sided, I advise you to look up the definitions of all the words that are synonymous with Bitch. Be aware that you’ll learn some choice descriptions along the way. KNOW those words and phrases. OWN them. EMBRACE them. When they are used to describe your fabulous being, they won’t affect your tender psyche quite as much.

On to the next piece of advice: Be aware, designtestants, that you will have no control over how the writers portray you, or over the public’s comments. The show’s been taped and Bravo’s already strung a gazillion hours of scenes and interviews together to create an absurdly unreal story. The Anony-Mouses will respond to each episode like lemmings, forgetting that they’re being manipulated.

Some of you, regardless of the fact that you stroke puppies and feed every one of the world’s hungry children, will be cast as villains. Others, because you have a pretty face or because you’re witty, will come off as heroes and heroines. This will have nothing to do with your talent. Still others of you will be cast as the series Geek. Like Mikey, for example.

S: Why me? Why so early? You haven’t even seen my work. Waaah!

T: Doesn’t matter Mikey. You’re absurdly young. You look like Ralphie from Christmas Story. And you wear funny looking pants. So, you’re a target from day one. Just saying, dahling. Don’t take it personally. This is how the collective mind works. To combat the mob mentality, I advise you to do some mental strengthening exercises through affirmations. As you wake up each morning, repeat this mantra: I am wonderful. I am talented. I am not a Geek. That should counteract the Anony-Mouse comments and help you keep your cool.

S: Ms. Place, I have a question.

T: Yes, Goil.

S: What makes YOU such an expert, huh? I graduated from Yale, so at least I'm qualified to know something.

T: Good, question, dahling. Aside from being fabulous, I have no qualifications whatsoever. I am, modestly speaking, the sanest, most perfect person I know. And you'll probably understand me better if I reveal to you that I have a recently diagnosed, incurable medical condition called Tongue-in-Chic. It's irreversible and gets worse over time. Next?

S: John here. Just an observation, Ms. Place. I don’t have any design background either but I’m a natural. Design sensibilities ooze out of all my manly pores. One thing I’ve figured out - You don’t need to know anything about anything in this country to make it. Look at Paris Hilton! That’s why America’s so great. You can *B--Sh-t* your way through life, take on any attitude you damn well please, and become filthy rich and hugely successful in this wonderful land of ours. Besides, my competitors don’t hold a candle to me. I’m gonna win.

T: Great attitude, dahling. However, you might just have pissed off your fellow designers with those lightning rod statements. If I were you, I’d purchase a bullshit meter and consult it once in a while.

Ah, it’s past noon! Sad to say, dahlings, we have to wrap things up. I must get dressed to sit at a bar, sip a pink martini, and attract all those divinely masculine honeybees to my sweet feminine nectar. As that old countrytime saying goes, "It’s five o’clock somewhere!"

Next time we meet, designtestants, we’ll discuss how to make the comment section on a blog your friend. Tra la la!

In all things and in all ways, I wish you Good Mental Health.

Posted: Ms. Place