Cruella DeVille Has Nothin’ on Me!

by Damselfly

Ok so, as I’m turning the channel to Bravo for our mutual Wednesday night 10 pm show I’m trying to decide of I need to put a pot of coffee on to help me make it through. And while they are getting out of their SUV’s I’m holding my breath as to what I am in for tonight. But then Todd walks in and surprises them with beach bags I thought....dare I believe...that this might be an interesting episode...gasp!

I loved it!

I was actually elated with the concept and it was like they actually heard me last week (Yes, I know that this is all pre-shot) and removed the production from the world of little white boxes. And then we got our touch of human drama with the Ryan-Carisa ‘No-!-I-wanna-go-to-Pier-1’ squabble. Who should’ve gone? Who cares? It was still fun to see Goil as a human rope in a child’s game of tug-of-war. I was hoping when Todd checked in with this group he would lead us in a rousing chorus of ‘Do You Know the Way to St. Tropez? La-la-la-la-la-la.’
Finally, just when I thought it couldn’t get any better we went to the beach and all I can say is ‘Can I get a carpenter over here?’

If I had been Carisa I would have been sprayin’ me down a nude man too especially being trapped in the world of the Pacific Design Center with mainly gay men. While they are wonderful to have around for so many reasons there’s something about the fact that I’ll never catch one of them looking at my boobs in that special way that makes the presence of hetero-males important at times.

It was all going so well with each cabana looking unique and beachy. And since I’ve never been to any of those destinations I believed what the designers were telling me about their choices. So everything was ignorantly blissful...and then they showed up and I could feel my entire person cringe. Who are ‘they’ you ask? None other than our happy bunch of over-egoed, under enthused judges. Where to start?

While Margaret Russell could be a delightful person for the right amount of cash she just has an aura of negativity around her that could melt small dogs and make babies weep in the womb. As my husband says: ‘Those who can, do....Those who want to crush frail dreams, edit.’ Whenever I see her my first thought is always ‘Don’t look directly into her eyes!’

I wonder if when Todd is introducing the judges for the umpteenth time he looks at Kelly Wearstler’s latest wardrobe malfunction and ponders whether he could turn it into a fabric design for Lay-Z-boy. What kind of world are we living in when we show successful females on TV who have very little personality and have yet to learn to use their words...as I tell my 15 month old son. She looks like she should be in a club with Paris and Brittany downing alcohol and doing away with her undies. And I’m not even touching the colored knee socks.

On a side note...Could they find two women with more pinched and pained expressions on their highly judgmental faces?

I think Bravo truly believes that just by being present Jonathan Adler nices up the entire judging panel....no. He actually hides his negativity behind a plaster cast smile, almost as if he got a botox treatment that permanently froze his face in an artificial grin. The priceless moment when he said something to the extent of ‘You all made really bad design choices.’ from behind the Rembrandt whitened teeth made me want to weep from laughter. I think ‘Yall suck’ is an easier phrase to articulate through a smile...just for future reference, Jonathan.

Maybe if the judges could approach the designs with hope instead of disgust the judging would not only be better but could actually be believable. It’s not like they are making bad choices. In fact I havenít strongly disagreed with any of the ‘See you later, Decorators’ (gag). Its just if one of them could show an ounce of actual human behavior the whole thing could lighten up a bit. Oprah needs to let these three in on The Secret...’what you put out in the universe you get back’, otherwise known as ‘like attracts like’. Wait, so that means if all the designer’s designs suck then the judges...suck...as....designers....too...No. Hold on, that can’t be right, right?...hmm.